Acorn Antiques

This is a bit different to the normal stuff I do.  I don’t know if you’re familiar with Ms Victoria Wood’s work?  If not, she’s a stand-up comedian who’s also done a few good songs (“Barry & Freda / Let’s Do It” being the one that springs to my mind).  Aaanyway, one of the regular sketches in her TV show was “Acorn Antiques”, a mickey-take of cheap soap operas, and that ballooned into a full-on three hour musical in 2005. Thankfully, we didn’t do the original full version of the musical, but an extended version of the second half – this is going on what I’m reading on the Wikipedia article (dangerous, I know, to use Wiki as a source…), and what I have found on YouTube. It seems that the original version wasn’t well received, so Wood rewrote it around the second half, which was the sort of thing that the audiences associate with “Acorn Antiques”.

Note to the unwary classical-type double bassist: this isn’t an ordinary double bass part.  As well as standard double bass, there are numbers that are scored for electric bass (fretless, for preference, as there are opportunities for slides).  You can get by with doing it all on stand-up (as I did), but it’ll shred your plucking fingers (and I have to be careful how I say that). My advice: surgical spirit before-hand, and a supply of Germolene New Skin for during the run. You’ll take it off during each half, but it’ll help, believe me.

Things you’ll need to know:

  1. Vamp.  Also known as “Vamp ’til ready”.  Usually a short (one or two bar) phrase to be repeated while there’s some business on stage.  Use this as an opportunity to practise watching the MD like a hawk.  Chances are that the MD will be busily vamping as well, as the MD is also responsible for keyboard 1.
  2. How to dump your bow and pick it up again very quickly.  I use a bow holster – very handy.  Some of the pizzicato passages are virtually impossible if you’re holding the bow at the same time.
  3. We didn’t do the opening Manchesterford scene-setting number.
  4. This show is not for kids, as it involves “adult themes”. And swearing about biscuits and cakes. There is a very real possibility I’ll never be able to think again of custard creams without smirking. See the “Macaroons” number – NSFW.

Technically, the music isn’t difficult.  Watch out for the not-so-subtle keychanges that cause you to suddenly look at the music and think “*how* many sharps?”.  There are a couple of trickier moments, however:

08 – Have You Met Miss Babs

Babs, dancing with a standard lamp. Raunchy music, needs a lot of power to get through. Some trickyish switches between quavers and triplets, as well as an unfriendly 12/8 bar. Here – have a look.

11 – The Old Small Print

This seems to have been… borrowed… from “The Old Landmark” – you know, the number in The Blues Brothers with James Brown. At least, that’s what I was thinking of at the time I was playing it… This is one of the Electric Bass parts rather than normal upright string bass, and therefore requires more oomph. Pizzicato all the way, some longer notes that need to riiiing out. And a ton of octave work, which I could only play by using the thumb on the bottom string and a finger (or two) on the upper…

It starts in F (nice and easy), but slips up a semitone into F# for the second verse, and ends in G. Here’s some of the middle bit. Remember – all pizz. I hope your fingers are tougher than mine were at the start of the week!

Those are the only bits I can remember being particularly difficult. There’s a number that goes sailing up to an E – the one in the treble clef, above A440, but it’s long sustained notes, so isn’t a problem. Have fun!

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